Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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