I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
