I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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