I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
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