my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
