It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
