I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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