And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Randomize
