she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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