***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
The uberlube is also flammable
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
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