i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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