I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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