I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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