Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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