To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
