i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize