I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
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