Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
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