So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
