Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
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