This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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