I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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