I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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