i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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