onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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