Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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