I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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