I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
i just sent this text using only my big toe
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
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