Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
