omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
