I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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