I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
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