Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
