Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
