and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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