he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
