I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
