Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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