I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
