I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
have fun at tinkers! p.s. are there any hot guys who look like they wanna wait until marriage to have sex?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
