we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
