I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
