I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
