just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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