i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize