did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
