TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
