I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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