It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
