just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
