My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize