I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Congratulations! We have a period
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