I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
