I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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