i don't like sucking hair
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
