I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
