You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
