oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
