There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
