Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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