All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Randomize