Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
